Ram: (Laughs and shakes his head.) You probably think bein’ dense is “out of character” for you. Me: Well, forgive me a moment of being uncharacteristically dense. The expression doesn’t mean fairness as in justice. Ram: Fairer sex, is it? I do no’ believe women are especially fair. You’re the focus of nocturnal fantasies for a growing chunk of the fairer sex. You’ve collected quite a fan base since the last time we talked. Me: This might be a good time to switch topics. Me: ( My turn to show him a third finger.) Ram: Well, if you’re serious, I have quite a lengthy list of thin’s I’d like to say to you. If it makes you feel better to say such things to me, go ahead. Ram: Because your vanity does no’ have limits. ‘Tis what you should have been doin’ all along anyhow. In the future, if you’re wantin’ to know what is or is no’ in “character” for me, then just ask me. Me: Of course I don’t think that! You wouldn’t have made it through Black Swan training if you weren’t smart. I guess I wouldn’t have had you say that because I would have thought it was out of character. It’s just that the phrase “dimension of origin” seems so politically correct and academic. You have a problem with me callin’ it that, Mistress? Me: (I have to laugh.) Dimension of origin? Matter of fact that’s where I was when she was bein’ attacked by fuckers from her dimension of origin. So I’m busy bustin’ hump to get Elora’s dream home finished before the baby comes. Gonna enjoy life! Fruit of the vine and all that. Ram: You think I can no’ come up with one? Right off the top of my head? How ’bout this? You led us to believe we were retirin’. We never have a chance to decide if we’re comin’ or goin’. But you’re always trickin’ us into believin’ we’re doin’ one thin’ and then you sprin’ somethin’ entirely different on us and we’re goin’ in a bloody different direction. ‘Tis the hero thin’ that turned out dubious because now my wife thinks I should conduct myself with a certain decorum befittin’ the honor.

Ram: I’m no’ complainin’ about Helm and you know it. You’ve got a beautiful, healthy, charismatic baby boy… You’ve been inducted into the Hall of Heroes. I know, but let’s focus on the great things that have happened. And, when I say “bleedin'”, ’tis meant literally. ‘Tis commercial fiction that has us runnin’ all over the Western world barely recoverin’ from one horrendous injury before you have us doin’ bleedin’ sheet time again. A lot has happened since the last time we talked. Me: Sir Hawking, it’s such a pleasure to interview you again.

The Witch's Dream by Victoria Danann